


dirty AF1s

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:01:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28770504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: 'you took your smile back to brighton but you left your toothbrush'orgeorge and dream don't know love even if it stared them in the eye, but meeting in real life for the first time seemed liked a smack to the face(also inspired by the song dirty AF1s from alexander 23)
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	dirty AF1s

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanna write idk 
> 
> if the cc's are uncomfy with stuff like this i will be taking it down. please respect creators wishes!

_i used to like to go out before i met you, now i just go out to forget you_

in my car, with an empty passenger seat and some red lights. i don't drive past the speed limit like you did. i couldn't tell if you wanted to slip away into the grass on the side of the road or feel as thought you could outrun the inevitable. the wind, it felt so unchanging, even if you could not feel the breeze you could feel it in your ribs, and every breath seemed to sting your lungs. it passed through you like a stranger. the cigarette smell stuck to my clothes and drowned in my hair and it clung to the air and i learnt to deal with the constant memory of you. i could never seem to get you out of my head, you were good at that.

you were good at making me feel as though our souls were so intertwined that it would be impossible to detangle this love. you were good at making me feel safe, and so warm within the essence of your comfort that i was drenched in it. i drowned in it selfishly.

with each message i've sent you, my fingertips glow with love. we are too indulged in each others souls that if one day you decide to leave me, or that i am no longer worth loving, please spare me the pain and dig my grave for me, for i am nothing without you.

i haven felt happiness such as this in years. there is something so special about you that i can't help but become attached to entirely. when i met you, it felt like a dream. everything else was fuzzy and my mind was foggy from a long flight, and yet your smile was clear as day in my mind. through muffled phone calls and cries, through the promise of heaven and hope, i still thought that you were the most perfect human id ever seen, as though your entity was a drug, and i was overdosing.

do i still mean the same to you 4,000 miles away?

this distance before meant nothing, but now that i've met you in real life, it means everything. i feel as though we aren't as close, that our bond is now sensitive. i've taken my heart to florida and now it doesn't work right. not only just because you are alone, but ever since we've said goodbye its just happened to become both. i took my heart to florida and now its broken.

i think my toothbrush still sits in your bathroom, the one i spent my nights and mornings in, the one that made me feel as though the floor was sinking when i was in the shower as the loneliness engulfed me whole because i wanted you in a way you didn't want me. call me selfish for loving you. call me selfish for trapping you in my lungs and calling you the oxygen i need to breathe.

my body was decaying, and i clung to the promise of heaven. every time i was with you, there was another person in my presence it seemed, and they weren't me. its strange how now after all these years, i find it hard to remember the good memories but i seemed the be able to recall the bad ones so easily. then there was you. i didn't recognise myself before i came to florida. my soul was only given to me by the hands of a cold stranger, not a from of light.

i ruined my body with a temporary addiction, a temporary feeling and a temporary thing that left nothing of me. i was dying, unknown of where i went. you would've seen my headstone with the idea that my body is lying beneath it, that who you once knew lies within that casket. i was dying. 

i feared that i was too ruinous for your soul, that meeting you would've done more harm than good, but they say love prevails all evil, and i guess it does, because i got lost within the labyrinths and pathways of your soul, and i found myself wanting to stay in this confusion of these feelings, because at least it was yours.

when i told you about my personal predicament, the light that you radiated clung onto my skin and warmed my hopeless body, and i once again drowned in your comfort. selfishly. you told me about your problems, about your scars that seemed to frame your skin and the puffs of chemical air that left your lips and floated in the air along with my admiration. i knew about the scars, you told me about them on a discord call when you were 19, how could i forget.

the lighter that seemed to always be in your hands told a story and you said that your lungs burn. that it felt like you were drowning in your thoughts when you previously thought you were only swimming.

_put my nice shoes on so strangers can't tell that i miss you through the AF1s_

you left your toothbrush here. you took your smile back to brighton but you left your toothbrush. before you came to florida, i didn't think i was capable of love, i didnt think i could drown into someone so passionately and love the feeling of water filling my lungs. 

you helped me sleep better, ill admit. my nightmares faded into the beautiful melody of your arms and my eyebags and insomnia stopped feeling like the moonlight of 4am. i fear that engraving yourself on my heart means that it will never wipe itself clean, and i am unable to love another the way i've drowned in yours so selfishly. i wanted someone who wanted to understand me.

i feel as though our souls are made of the same material. we listen to the same music. the kind of music that leaves you feeling dead and rips apart you spirit and makes you feel alive at the same time. vodka. our love for it will drain us both, me before you i presume, and yet i can't find myself to care as i am still high on the feeling of being here in the same lifetime as you, someone so loving, similar, and understanding. i fear that everyone has a soulmate except you, because the world thought that giving you to one person is giving them too much.

i remember you sitting in the passenger seat of my car. the raindrops slid down the window shield and blurred the street lights as the heat circulated. the music echoed throughout our bodies and the smoke from my cigarette filled our lungs. your eyes were glossy from your intoxication and you were staring as the road as if it physically hurt you to look up.

the wind from outside blew my hair and i stuck my hand out to feel something other than your touch. 

i didn't want to be a burden on your delicate heart, so i lied through my teeth. i was not made to depend on other people. my childhood made that very clear to me. so i thought i could continue to suffer alone in this darkness, until i found you in there with me, and i helped you, even if it meant helping myself even just a little bit.

i used to sing in the shower and now i don't, because your not there to sing along while getting ready. i feel as though i will be homesick for you, even in heaven. the absence of you is everywhere i look.

the cracks in my skin let the light through and the flowers grow, and i suffocated on the feeling of guilt as you poured out your words and i didn't. i felt as though i needed to give you the reason to why i had a lighter, why i only had hoodies, and why i couldn't look into you eyes that reminded me of dawn shining through a beer bottle for more than ten seconds. all the feelings inside of me were suddenly drowning me and i felt that as if id open my mouth, i wouldn't be able to stop.

does that conversation still hit you as hard as it did 4,000 miles away?

i wonder what you remember, you or my problems, and i hope to never know the answer since it might break my heart. ill bask in blissful ignorance before i have the face a discord call that kills me. it seems inevitable in my mind that you could never love me, that you could be so fond of me in the ways you insisted when you visited for a week. christ it was only a week of being with you, and i felt as though you were my lifeline, my person.

i try not to spit my words, but my trauma is so deeply rooted within my soul that there is no way to untangle the mess of my childhood, and yet you've found your way into the core of my heartache. i just hope you can pick up the phone when you get back.

_put my favrouite shirt on so strangers don't know that it looks way better on you_


End file.
